Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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