i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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