dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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