Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
