You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
