Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
