Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
