my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
