how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
