i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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