Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
