If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
