she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
