Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
