grandma shit on top of the toilet
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
