I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
