she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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