I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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