Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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