I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
