If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you had me at cake vodka
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
