Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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