I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
