Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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