: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
