my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
