I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
