i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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