Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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