I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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