Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
