I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
