When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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