The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I could make wine with my vomit
honey bunches of taint.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
