i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
