Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
