I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
