i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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