You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
