She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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