it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
