he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
