"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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