I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
