i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
