do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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