i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We have started to decorate penises.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
