She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
