Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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