So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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