woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
